7 Tips to Help You Process tough Emotions
What exactly does it mean to “process your feelings?”. It is certainly very common advice, and generally we tend to believe this to be true – identifying our emotions and expressing them in healthy ways is an important part of healthy human emotional development. But what exactly does this entail? How do we avoid simply stewing unproductively, getting stuck in painful feelings, or avoiding them altogether?
While no single approach will work for everyone, therapists have been processing the issue of how to help others process for as long as the profession has existed. Dr. Les Greenberg, co-creator of Emotion-Focused Therapy and previous director of the Emotion-Focused Therapy Clinic at York University, is a leader in the study of emotions and their value in therapy. In his book “Changing Emotion with Eotion” he provides an overview of the seven ingredients research tells us are needed for emotional processing to be productive, allowing us to gain something valuable from those painful feelings. Here are some tips!
- Attend to the Feeling. This is about becoming more aware of the emotion through the precious resource of attention. Pay attention to the feeling. What do you notice about it? what sensations, thoughts, images, or words come to mind?
- Symbolize the feeling. Most commonly this is done with words, and why I and many other therapists constantly recommend journaling. But many find that forms of creative expression such as art, music, or movement work better for them. This can add valuable meaning to the feeling.
- Be congruent. Now is not the time for sarcasm or nervous laughter. Try to match your mannerisms and non-verbal communication to the feeling you’re having. If you are sad, try to keep a sad face and voice. If you are angry, put some assertive energy into your voice and posture. This helps you stay with the feeling long enough for it to be productive.
- Accept the feeling. Acceptance is a very big and complex topic. But the old rhyme “you can’t grieve what your can’t believe” stands true. Painful emotions are difficult to accept, but try to assume the feeling is there to tell you something important.
- Stay regulated. You need to maintain some distance from the feeling itself in order to process it effectively. Being overwhelmed is not productive, after all. Think of emotions as information, like a warning light on your car’s dashboard turning on. You are not your emotions – you are the space and place where they happen.
- Be an active agent. While you may not have chosen this feeling, you don’t have to be a passive victim to it. Take responsibility for your feeling, and look at it as a personal experience, rather than something by external circumstance. Taking ownership of your feelings helps you to change the belief that you can be “taken over” by them.
- Encourage differentiation over time. Emotions are highly and frequently changing inner experiences. Try not to become “stuck” in one part of the emotional experience. Rather, be curious about how the feeling shifts and new aspects emerge as you explore it. You may be pleasantly surprised!
All of the above assumes that your feelings are what therapists call “primary adaptive emotions” – that is, that they make sense given the situation you are in. Sometimes, this is really difficult to tell! So don’t beat yourself up if these don’t work out for you every time.
In the end, you may not come to a grand insight or major sense of relief from following these steps, but this is a skill that can be practiced and refined. And if you or someone you care about could use some help with that skill – well, I may know a therapist or two who could help with that….
David offers counselling service to youth (13+) and adults facing a wide range of issues. David has specific expertise in the areas of suicide and suicide prevention, career counselling, and issues facing post-secondary students and recent graduates, and often sees clients facing depression, anxiety, overwhelming stress, life transitions, and many other difficulties.
David's approach integrate emotion-focused, narrative, and cognitive-behavioural therapy, and he offers a grounded and caring atmosphere where clients feel understood and empathized with. He is certified to administer and interpret career counselling assessments including the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator and the Strong Interest Inventory.
David has a MA in Counselling Psychology from Adler University in Vancouver BC, and is registered with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. In addition to his private counselling practice, David works as a clinical counsellor at a large local university. His other experience includes teaching as a sessional instructor, working as a youth suicide prevention therapist, a post secondary career counsellor, a mental health worker in community homes for people with serious mental illnesses, and as a tutor in an alternative youth education program.