Can you Change Your Personality?

A client of mine once asked me if I had a magic wand to wave that could change the things about her personality that she disliked. She wondered if she could ever overcome her shyness to get to the place where she was comfortable meeting new people and conversing in social gatherings. Other individuals have wondered if they could ever overcome certain personality traits that they disliked or felt limited by in some way. Have you ever wondered…would it be possible to change your personality?

Each of us has a personality – unique and enduring patterns of inner experience and outward behaviour. These enduring raits, tendencies and behavioural patterns shape how we think, feel, and acta cross difference situations throughout our life. Currently we understand the building blocks of personality to be comprised of five factors, using “The Big Five Model” (Zuckerman, M.,2011). These traits have been found to be ubiquitous across diverse cultures (Costa et al, 2019). The ‘big five’ factors can be remembered with the acronym OCEAN:

1. Openness to Experience: how curious, imaginative or open-minded we are versus being cautious or resistant to change.
2. Conscientiousness: Our level of organization, responsibility and dependability versus being careless or impulsive.
3. Extraversion: how outgoing, energetic or social we are as compared to being reserved or solitary.
4. Agreeableness: Our tendency toward compassion, cooperation and likeability versus being critical, negative or competitive.
5. Neuroticism: how emotionally unstable, anxious or moody we are versus being calm and resilient.

Our personality is shaped by a dynamic relationship between our genetics, upbringing, environment and culture, which gives it a certain stability over time. Studies suggest about 40-60% of our personality is inherited. We are born with a predisposition toward certain traits.

Can you change your personality?

Yes, to an extent. Although personality is not set in stone, it’s not as malleable as changing your mood or attitude. Some traits do shift naturally as one ages. For example, often people tend to get less neurotic as they get older, as they learn to “go with the flow” of change that life brings them.

Momentous life events — like becoming a parent, changing careers or trauma — can also evoke changes in our personality. Such changes can move an individual towards the opposite end of the spectrum of a given trait, rather than create a total overhaul. For example, a young mother may find she has become more particular around schedules, food and cleanliness, increasing her level of conscientiousness, and moving her away from past tendencies towards impulsivity.

While your core tendencies remain stable, how you express them (i.e. your behaviour) is more flexible. For example, an introvert might never become a gregarious extrovert, but they can learn to enjoy engaging with others more, while still appreciating their times of solitude.

How can you change?

Changing personality traits takes intention, consistency, and time. It requires self-awareness and determination to create and maintain new habits. if you want to change, be intentional as you do the following:

1. Increase your Self-awareness: Determine what your personality traits are. Ask someone you trust to describe you in terms of the five factors. Or take an online personality test such as a Big Five Personality Test (www.personality.com) to map your traits. if you dislike your ‘neuroticism’ that could be an initial focus for change.
2. Set specific goals: Don’t just say, “I want to be nicer”. Set a specific goal: “I’ll talk to three people at work today” (Extroversion) or “I’ll make a plan for my week every Sunday” (Conscientiousness). Concrete goals beat vague aspirations.
3. Practice behavioural changes: Act the part, even if it feels unnatural. Want to be less neurotic? Learn relaxation skills or challenge negative thoughts daily. Want to boost openness? Try new hobbies or activities outside your comfort zone. Repetition rewires habits; habits nudge traits.
4. Hang out with inspiring people: Surround yourself with people that pull you toward the trait you want. Spend time with organized friends to boost conscientiousness or engage in friendly debates to limit over-agreeableness.
5. Do a mindset shift: Therapy (like CBT or mindfulness) can reshape how you think, which ripples into how you act. If you’re less anxious about failure, your neuroticism drips. Also, understanding why you’re anxious can move you into readiness for change.
6. Be patient with yourself: Studies have found that people who actively worked on being more extraverted (e.g. initiating conversations) saw small but real shifts after a few months. It takes time and concerted effort to make the incremental changes that, over time, have a lasting impact.

There’s no magic wand! A shy person might never love crowds, but they can get comfortable speaking up. The catch is that you’ve got to want it enough to stick with it. The difference between where you are and where you want to be is that you just don’t quit! Perseverance and consistency make a difference.

What trait would you tweak if you could?

References:

Costa, P., McCrae, R., Lokenhoff,C.(2019) Personality across the lifespan. Annual Review of Psychology,
70,423-448.
Zuckerman, M.,2011. Trait and psychobiological approaches. In M. Zuckerman (Ed.), Personality Science:
three approaches and their applications to the causes and treatment of depression (pp. 47-77).
Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.