Defining Love

Sometimes when couples are contemplating separation, one partner may say, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” The one who issued the statement might mean, “I care about you but not enough to stay together”, or maybe “My feelings for you aren’t as strong as they used to be,” or maybe even, “You’re a nice person but I’m no longer attracted to you”. Of course, none of these explanations adequately clarify the situation and the receiving partner is often left hurt and confused.

Part of this confusion stems from the difficulty in defining what love really is. Dictionaries will use statements like “a deep devotion or affection for another” or “a strong sexual passion” or “a great interest in or enjoyment of”. These definitions seem to imply that love is something we have or feel. Therein lies a potential problem. If we lose that “feeling” does that mean we have also lost our love? And if so, will it ever come back?

Some will say there are different kinds of love depending on the person or situation. There is love for God, love for my friends, love for my kids, love for my partner, and so on. All seem to have different levels of feeling and each form of love implies a different form of commitment.

Consider the following definition of love and see if it holds any promise for you. “Love is the decision to be there for someone in the way they need you to be”. When I get up at 3:00 in the morning to be with my sick child, I am demonstrating love. When I visit my friend in the hospital, I am demonstrating love. When I treat my partner with dignity and respect even though I’m mad at him (her), I am demonstrating love. At these times we may experience feelings of affection and closeness but then again we may not. What really counts is our “decision” to be there for another regardless of how we feel. This new definition also suggests that love is something we do. It’s really a verb, “to love”, and requires action on our part.

Anyone who is in a close relationship is likely to experience times when they don’t feel close or loving. They might feel angry or hurt and not inclined to act loving for a time. Most would argue that it’s only a temporary situation and because they care about one another, the crisis will soon be over. And that is what happens most of the time.

So when a partner says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, could they really be saying, “I no longer choose to be there for you in the way you need me to be”. This, of course, might even be prudent if someone is being mistreated or abused but for the most part it’s a decision to no longer act in a loving manner. If nothing else, it seems like a more honest way of confirming where you stand.

Think of anyone you consider to be a truly loving person. Maybe it’s your mother, grandfather, Mother Teresa, a close friend, or your partner. Don’t you agree that they seem to possess that ability to be there for you or others in just the way they are needed? And doesn’t it make sense that we’re all called to be that way? You can “decide” to be a loving person simply by being there for others in the way they need you to be regardless of how you feel. What a beautiful world this might be if we could all be like that.