The Legacy of Divorce

As psychologists and counsellors we see numerous examples of wretched, demeaning, abusive, and unfaithful marriages. We are keenly aware of the loneliness and suffering of many adults and of their serious efforts to improve their lives before and after divorce. The decision to separate or divorce is often one of the most difficult decisions a couple will ever have to make in their lifetime. Most worry about what will happen to their children and how to best help them. Alternatively, what will be the price for the adults and the children if they decide to remain in an unhappy marriage.

Demographers report that 40 percent of all married adults in the 1990s have already been divorced. In addition, a quarter of adults under the age of forty-four are children of divorce. This means that close to a million children a year in the U.S and about 100,000 thousand a year in Canada have seen their parents divorce. This has major consequences for the individuals affected and for our society as a whole.

In 2000, Judith Wallerstein and her co-authors and researchers completed a 25-year landmark study that chronicles the lives of children from both divorced and intact families. This is the longest close-up study of divorce ever conducted. They detail how adult children of divorce view life differently from their peers raised in intact homes. The results of the study were surprising for the authors and provide valuable insight for parents, counsellors, and law-makers.

There is no research that can say that divorce is universally detrimental to children. It is true, however, that divorce often leads to a partial or complete collapse in an adult’s ability to parent for months and sometimes years after the break up. Caught up in rebuilding their own lives, well-meaning mothers and fathers become preoccupied with a thousand and one concerns which can blind them to the needs of their children.

Wallerstein addresses two faulty beliefs that have become the foundation for our current attitudes toward divorce. The first holds that “if the parents are happier the children will be happier, too.” Children in post divorce families do not, on the whole, look happy, healthier, or better adjusted even if one or both parents are happier. National studies show that children from divorced and remarried families are more aggressive toward their parents and teachers. They experience more depression, have more learning difficulties, and suffer from more problems with peers than children from intact families. In general, there is earlier sexual activity, more children born out of wedlock, less marriage and more divorce.

A second myth is that the separation is a temporary crisis and that children will quickly adjust to the new order “as long as the parents don’t fight”, at least in front of the children. Wallerstein learned from adult children of divorce that their parents’ anger at the time of the breakup is not what matters most. Unless there was violence, abuse, or unremitting high conflict, they have dim memories of what transpired during the supposedly critical period. It’s feeling sad, lonely, and angry during childhood. It’s traveling on airplanes alone when you’re seven or long trips by car or ferry to visit your parent. It’s having no choice about how to spend your weekends or vacations. It’s adjusting to stepparents and stepsiblings, second marriages and second divorces, and often a series of live-in lovers. It’s experiencing further losses as people they have come to love and trust come and go.

What surprised even Wallerstein was that the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather it rises in adulthood when these children come to choose a life mate and build a new family. The absence of a good marital image influences their search for love, intimacy, and commitment. The resultant anxiety leads many into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether. Some fear abandonment or have a lack of trust in the faithfulness of their partner. It’s like a part of them is waiting for disaster to strike, especially if they are happy.

Should parents stay together at all cost? Of course not. But maybe more effort should be made to rescue a floundering marriage. Maybe there are better ways to parent our children after the divorce. Maybe we all need to be more aware that, as resilient as children may be, we have little understanding of the child’s view of their new world. Dare to read books like the one mentioned here, seek counselling before any final decisions are made, and don’t take for granted that all is well in your child’s world.

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Ref: Wallerstein, J, Lewis, J., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. New York: Hyperion